------- waddafak: Happy I Am Not

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Happy I Am Not

It was raining so hard on the way up to the farm i had to stop and wait it out. I began to reflect what was going on in my life as the raindrops splattered over the windshield.
I enjoy the food i get to eat anywhere anytime. Have good health. The clothes on my back are pretty decently labeled. Lovely homes. Decent savings and investments. Nice cars. The occasional holiday. Friends seem envious of what i have. But deep down i am miserable.
I don't want to be Dad. He died way too early. A hardworking bloke should not get such a raw deal. Looking at Mum today makes me both sad and resentful. I remember mostly the whipping i got when she was angry at the shit she got from life. Dad always on overtime. Not enough money. Nasty relatives. The poverty was all around. Rice porridge everyday. Every damn day. Every fucking day. Getting my first pair of jeans (Hand me downs from cousin Greg) at 16 still bugs me until today. Yeah. Poverty sucks. It sucks big time.
Do i need more than 1 car? No. Do i need to keep the farm? Well it was to be a retirement home but who am i kidding? I envision a retirement home and lifestyle completely different now. Do i need to work so hard? No, because of all these extra bits in my life it makes me busy running about like a headless chicken. Do i need all the materialistic things i have? Do these things make me happy? Am i fooling myself into thinking that the pursuit of such pleases me?
I got to change my life. Darnit! I want to be happy!


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